A Hollywood Smile

There is many a perk to being a journalist - getting paid to write stuff would be one, people thinking you have a glamorous career would be another - but perhaps the most covetable is the freebies. My best ever "complimentary gift" would be a five star, all expenses paid trip for myself and the maid of honour to Grenada for a week - it was marvellous. But this week I was lucky enough to receive the gift of a lovely set of pearly white teeth, just in time for the wedding, courtesy of my PR friend Mars and her client London Smiling.

I will admit to feeling slightly nervous - I'd heard a few tales of horror about the pain and of course everyone I told kept reminding me of that episode of Friends - so I was just a tiny bit afeared that I would emerge onto Goodge Street with a dayglo smile.

I needn't have worried - apparently Dr Okoye has recently been to the land of perfect teeth to teach them how to do "natural" whitening. I started to feel safer. In fact I had a rather lovely time. I reclined in a comfy chair while Dr Okoye and her assistant saw to my very English teeth. They gave me movie googles which meant I could watch Friends during my bleaching and lasering, and a parafin wax hand treatment so that I emerged not only with white teeth, but lovely soft hands too. It was more like a spa break than a trip to the dentist.

As for the horror stories - I felt nothing bar a slightly warm sensation on my teeth, in fact it was so painless that I even dropped off for a few minutes. What's not to love about watching Friends, falling asleep and waking up with beautifully white teeth?

Dr Okoye is however a perfectionist - so I'm going back next week to pick up my personalised home whitening kit so that they look even better. This was perhaps the only downside to the whole operation - and I'm sure most people wouldn't mind at all. I however am in possession of the world's most pathetic gag reflex - I kid you not - I only have to think about putting my fingers down my throat and I'm off retching and heaving. It's so bad that I can no longer eat melted mozerella cheese or spinach or anything else that could be caught in my throat (I feel sick just thinking about).

Anyway - for perfect home whitening you need a mold of your teeth. This involves having a gum shield full of plasticine rammed into your mouth to take an impression - a dental relief map so to speak. Well, the minute it hit my palette, the retching started. I tried desperately to control it. My stomach was convulsing and I could feel the sushi lunch I'd eat hours before rising upwards. Dr Okoye sat me up, she told me to look at her and breathe. The tears were welling in my eyes as stomach acid burned my throat. My face was stained claret with embarrassment.

I tried to plead with her through my eyes to take the plasticine out of my mouth - it didn't work. Instead she told me to lift my left leg in the air without holding on to it and to breathe deeply. The paroxysms in my throat stopped and my eyes cleared, no one had to witness the reappearance of rice and raw fish. After another minute she removed the offending gum sheild and calmly explained that holding your left leg in the air involves a reflex - your brain can't cope with two at once and the one needed to hold your leg up is much bigger than the one required to make you sick so it cancels it out. All rather clever. And just in case you ever need to know, for your lower palette - you hold the right leg up. Fingers crossed the trays that are being made for me to wear for an hour a day won't cause a similar reaction.

The next day my teeth looked wonderful and bar a few tingles I felt no pain. The only side effect has been a slight mirror obssession because I can't stop looking at them - but I'm sure it'll wear off. London Smiling gets five stars from me.